I wish you knew
Being confident and optimist towards myself doesn’t change anything. The fact that my past is affecting my future is still a reality. It is the consequence of my actions that I have to bear with. After all, this is how we can learn from our mistakes. Right? *smile*
This time, my new year was celebrated with confusion. A dearest friend of mine came in my room yesterday and she came not for lepaking as usual. *humming*
To be selected and given a responsibility to be Biro Rohani is a total surprise for me. Never thought of it at all. And I rejected the offer at first.
I told her “Awak, I am not the right person and even if you guys think I am the most apt person to fill this spot it is not impossible that you made a mistake right?”
“They trust in you Shaima’”
Inferiority overwhelmed me.
I appreciated that so much. To gain a group of person’s trust on me is something big. Thank you for that. “Awak, if you ask me to be Biro Academic. I’ll accept it immediately. I will not hesitate or reluctant to hold the responsibilities. Biro Rohani and Biro Academic are 2 different things. To find a teacher to teach certain subjects in extra classes and to give inputs; foods for our souls are two different things. 2 different types of knowledge.
And I wish you knew.
I started to learn, to know, to care and to practice Islam as a whole just recently. If you guys had started to read Mathurat long time ago, I knew about it last year. Some of you have considered Dhuha prayers as compulsory and me I knew about it just recently before I came to Jordan. I am not pulling anyone’s leg. And I compared myself to my other friends. Some of them wear niqob, they deserve more. They wouldn’t be wearing it unless they are ready and fully understands our religion and all the reasons underlie it. Some of you have been in Tarbiyah (Islamic environment) for years, since they were small. Me?
See the difference? Now, you tell me who deserve better? I don’t think I can bear the feeling when I talked as if I knew so much but in real I’m just a beginner yang sometimes not Istiqomah yet in my Ibadah and mindset.
Having a power to choose doesn’t make you eligible to choose anyone you think is suitable. And if you did think that way, you are just being judgmental. I was hoping that my reason is being considered. It’s not only about filling the vacancy but qualifications as well.
I am just being humble as I know my level. None about my self esteem or lack of confidence.
“To give I need to gain, and to gain I need time”. I told her “Awak bagi sy masa untuk timba ilmu”
But I guess my opinion is just an opinion. Insignificant. For all the reasons I had given some might laugh and some might think it doesn’t make sense as they see me superficially great. For me kekurangan can never be kelebihan as to overcome it you have to make some addition.
And I wish you knew.
I accepted the offer thou. Being simple and optimist as always I assure myself...
“And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (AI-Baqarah, 2:216)
Nothing is more beneficial for me than abiding by the judgments of Allah - even if it is difficult for me at the beginning - all its outcomes are good, delightful, and pleasurable. In the same way, nothing is more harmful for me than committing what is forbidden, even if I love it. All its outcomes are pain, grief, evil and misfortune. Alhamdulillah.